| How To Survive A Horror Movie Or Halloween Night |
Rule #1 - You can never have sex. Big no-no. Big no-no. Sex equals death.
Rule #2 - You can never drink or do drugs. This is a sin. It's an extension
of rule number 1.
Rule #3 - Never ever under any circumstances do you ever say, "I'll be
right back"... because you won't be back.
Rule #4 - If your pal just chased dinner down in the yard, you might want
to run away too.
Rule #5 - Never say: Okay... guys... this isn't funny anymore, Guys?"
Rule #6 - If you're ever out driving in the cold, dark night and your car
breaks down, don't walk to the big creepy house and ask to use the
phone.
Rule #7 - Don't have a seance "just for kicks and never, never use an Ouija
Board to contact the dead. If the dead have anything to say to you they'll
contact you... in which case you're screwed because you probably can't
do anything to stop them.
Rule #8 - Remember that smart asses seldom survive to the final credits.
Rule #9 - If the creature was capable of producing offspring, it probably
did. Keep looking.
Rule #10 - Always... repeat... always pay attention to creepy music!
Rule #11 - Remember good girls who wear bras survive.
Rule #12 - If, say, you manage to grab a baseball bat, poker, or other
blunt object to defend yourself and manage to knock the killer down, do
not drop it and run off. You keep right on hitting until they can't
identify him even with dental records! If the police complain about
hitting him when he was down and "helpless", just tell them you were in
fear of your life.
Rule #13 - Never read a book on demon summoning aloud, not even as a
joke.
Rule #14 - Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just
gone out.
Rule #15 - If your children speak in Latin or any other language which
they should not know, or if they speak to you in a voice that is not their
own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long
run. Note: It will probably take several rounds to kill them so be
prepared.
Rule #16 - As a general rule don't solve puzzles that open portals to hell.
Rule #17 - If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find
out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
Rule #18 - If appliances start operating by themselves, move out! If
you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least
twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite
the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along,
it's still fast enough to catch up with you.
Rule #19 - Beware of strangers bearing tools such as staple guns,
soldering irons, hedge trimmers, chainsaws, electric carving knives,
butane torches, lawn mowers, combines, band saws or any device made
from deceased companions.
Rule #20 - When it appears that you have killed the monster, never
check to see if it's really dead.
Rule #21 - Do not take anything from the dead.
Rule #22 - If you find a town which looks deserted there's probably a
good reason for it. Don't stop to look look around.
Rule #23 - Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're
sure you know what you're doing.
Rule #24 - If your companions begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, a fascination for blood, have glowing eyes or
increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
Rule #25 - Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which
are listed here: Amityville, Transylvania, Elm Street, anywhere in Texas
where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in
Maine.
Rule #26 - If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road do not go
to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think
that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of
a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and you'll
likely be eaten.
Rule #27 - If you discover that your house is built upon ancient, Indian
burial grounds, or upon a cemetary, now is the time to move in with the
in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who
went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had
performed satanic rites.
Rule #28 - Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise in an old
house, women should never wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight
not a candle which can (and will) go out under mysterious circumstances.
Rule #29 - Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as
thesecan flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.
Rule #30 - Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.
Rule #31 - If you feel compelled to enter a vampire's lair follow these
simple rules. Don't go alone if at all possible (there's safety in numbers,
besides if you have to leave in a hurry you can trip your companion(s) so
you can make a safe escape). Go only during the day, in the morning or
the afternoon (preferably on a clear and sunny day). Don't go at
sundown... if you can't make it there in time, screw it... wait until the
following morning. Adorn your body with as much cross jewelry as you
can (literally) stand to carry. Eat a full clove of garlic an hour before you
go and take plenty of extra wooden stakes (just in case).
Rule #32 - If you're not a farmer, then you have absolutely no business
being in a cornfield for any reason. Cornfields are for growing corn,
hiding groups of psychotic, juvenile delinquents and giving life to
unnatural, nasty creatures.
Rule #33 - If you're in a car making out with your lover and she/he says
they hear a strange noise stop what you're doing and leave immediately.
No one, no matter how hot or sexy you think they are is worth dying
for. Run over any one who suddenly appears in your headlights. They
shouldn't be there anyway. Only monsters, claw armed killers or axe
wielding psychos will be out on a deserted, country roads late at night.
Note: See Rule #1.
Rule #34 - If your pet dies do not bury it in the creepy cemetary with
strange powers to bring back the dead. Console yourself by buying a
hamster. Hamsters are small, cute and cuddly and you've never seen a
hamster suddenly turn demonic and rip someone's face off have you?
Note: This rule applies to small children as well. Normal, living two year
olds are next to demonic as it is... bringing them back from the dead will
only aggravate this unpleasant condition and your entire family (and most
likely your next door neighbors) will end up dead for your well meaning
(if not idiotic) efforts.
Rule #35 - If you're babysitting and you hear strange noises or if you
receive disturbing, hair raising telephone calls... call 911 while the phone is
still working and leave the house (and the kids) immediately. It's every
man for himself at this point. Besides, a job that pays below minimum
wage is hardly worth dying for.
Rule #36 - If you discover your child's toy (doll, clown, etc.) is possessed
or can walk and talk of its own accord do not try to burn it, smash it or
destroy it with an ax or a chainsaw... the only thing you will succeed in
doing is getting the evil toy pissed off and you will most likely die a
gruesome, agonizing death at its little plastic hands. Take it to a Goodwill
drop off immediately and leave it. After all... it is better to give than
receive.
Rule #37 - Never under any circumstance accept a dare or challenge to
stay in a haunted house, hotel, deserted mental institution, church,
warehouse or abandoned castle, etc. for any amount of money or to prove
your bravery. People who challenge you to sleep in a haunted location
are not your friends... they are trying to get you killed. Be secure in
your cowardice and live to see another day. If you need the money get a
second or third job. It is better to live longer and work yourself to death
than to offer yourself up as a willing victim and neversee the payoff.
Rule #38 - If you discover a centuries old vampire/vampiress) is
enamored with your spouse or significant other... break off the
relationship or file for divorce and move out immediately. True love
isn't eternal, death is.
Rule #39 - If you find yourself in the tomb of an Egyptian pharaoh (or
any other Egyptian noble) and the archeologist reads an inscribed curse
on the mummy's sarcophagus leave the tomb before the sarcophagus is
opened. In fact, you just might want to cut short your vacation to Egypt
and leave the country as quickly as possible.
Rule #40 - If your town/village has a curse or an evil prophecy upon it
move away before the critical "anniversary date" arrives.
Rule #41 - If your town becomes infested with vampires, werewolves, or
monsters pack your belongings and move out. It won't do any good to
warn anyone or "alert" the authorities... no one will believe you anyway.
This is a "save your own ass" situation.
Rule #42 - Never have sex in an abandoned house, in the woods or in a
tent or cabin in a campground.
Rule #43 - If you hear scratching at a window or hear strange noises
outside (or in the attic or the basement) do not go and investigate.
Barricade yourself in the safest room available and call 911. Let the police
handle the situation... that's what they're paid for... to protect and serve.
Let them get hacked to pieces by the hockey-mask wearing, psycho,
serial killer.
Rule #44 - Suck up to the weird, outcast kid/teen who seems to have
unusual, superantural powers... never tease, torment or bully them...
you're only asking for trouble if you do.
Rule #45 - Never walk alone in the country, the moors or the forest at
night, during a full moon (especially if you hear wolves howling).
Rule #46 - Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a
tomb, grave, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
Rule #47 - When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go
it alone.
Rule #48 - When you feel too scared to look behind you, look! The
killer is always out of sight right before they kill their victims.
Rule #49 - Beware of that relative that no one wants to talk about and the
one door in the house usually in the cellar or attic that's always locked and
no one knows what happened to the key.
Rule #50 - Clowns are not cute or funny. They are evil! Clowns are
alwaysa bad sign... clown dolls, clown laughs, clown midgets or clown
anything. Stay away from clowns at all costs!
Rule #2 - You can never drink or do drugs. This is a sin. It's an extension
of rule number 1.
Rule #3 - Never ever under any circumstances do you ever say, "I'll be
right back"... because you won't be back.
Rule #4 - If your pal just chased dinner down in the yard, you might want
to run away too.
Rule #5 - Never say: Okay... guys... this isn't funny anymore, Guys?"
Rule #6 - If you're ever out driving in the cold, dark night and your car
breaks down, don't walk to the big creepy house and ask to use the
phone.
Rule #7 - Don't have a seance "just for kicks and never, never use an Ouija
Board to contact the dead. If the dead have anything to say to you they'll
contact you... in which case you're screwed because you probably can't
do anything to stop them.
Rule #8 - Remember that smart asses seldom survive to the final credits.
Rule #9 - If the creature was capable of producing offspring, it probably
did. Keep looking.
Rule #10 - Always... repeat... always pay attention to creepy music!
Rule #11 - Remember good girls who wear bras survive.
Rule #12 - If, say, you manage to grab a baseball bat, poker, or other
blunt object to defend yourself and manage to knock the killer down, do
not drop it and run off. You keep right on hitting until they can't
identify him even with dental records! If the police complain about
hitting him when he was down and "helpless", just tell them you were in
fear of your life.
Rule #13 - Never read a book on demon summoning aloud, not even as a
joke.
Rule #14 - Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just
gone out.
Rule #15 - If your children speak in Latin or any other language which
they should not know, or if they speak to you in a voice that is not their
own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long
run. Note: It will probably take several rounds to kill them so be
prepared.
Rule #16 - As a general rule don't solve puzzles that open portals to hell.
Rule #17 - If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find
out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
Rule #18 - If appliances start operating by themselves, move out! If
you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least
twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite
the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along,
it's still fast enough to catch up with you.
Rule #19 - Beware of strangers bearing tools such as staple guns,
soldering irons, hedge trimmers, chainsaws, electric carving knives,
butane torches, lawn mowers, combines, band saws or any device made
from deceased companions.
Rule #20 - When it appears that you have killed the monster, never
check to see if it's really dead.
Rule #21 - Do not take anything from the dead.
Rule #22 - If you find a town which looks deserted there's probably a
good reason for it. Don't stop to look look around.
Rule #23 - Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're
sure you know what you're doing.
Rule #24 - If your companions begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, a fascination for blood, have glowing eyes or
increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
Rule #25 - Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which
are listed here: Amityville, Transylvania, Elm Street, anywhere in Texas
where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in
Maine.
Rule #26 - If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road do not go
to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think
that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of
a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and you'll
likely be eaten.
Rule #27 - If you discover that your house is built upon ancient, Indian
burial grounds, or upon a cemetary, now is the time to move in with the
in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who
went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had
performed satanic rites.
Rule #28 - Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise in an old
house, women should never wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight
not a candle which can (and will) go out under mysterious circumstances.
Rule #29 - Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as
thesecan flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.
Rule #30 - Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.
Rule #31 - If you feel compelled to enter a vampire's lair follow these
simple rules. Don't go alone if at all possible (there's safety in numbers,
besides if you have to leave in a hurry you can trip your companion(s) so
you can make a safe escape). Go only during the day, in the morning or
the afternoon (preferably on a clear and sunny day). Don't go at
sundown... if you can't make it there in time, screw it... wait until the
following morning. Adorn your body with as much cross jewelry as you
can (literally) stand to carry. Eat a full clove of garlic an hour before you
go and take plenty of extra wooden stakes (just in case).
Rule #32 - If you're not a farmer, then you have absolutely no business
being in a cornfield for any reason. Cornfields are for growing corn,
hiding groups of psychotic, juvenile delinquents and giving life to
unnatural, nasty creatures.
Rule #33 - If you're in a car making out with your lover and she/he says
they hear a strange noise stop what you're doing and leave immediately.
No one, no matter how hot or sexy you think they are is worth dying
for. Run over any one who suddenly appears in your headlights. They
shouldn't be there anyway. Only monsters, claw armed killers or axe
wielding psychos will be out on a deserted, country roads late at night.
Note: See Rule #1.
Rule #34 - If your pet dies do not bury it in the creepy cemetary with
strange powers to bring back the dead. Console yourself by buying a
hamster. Hamsters are small, cute and cuddly and you've never seen a
hamster suddenly turn demonic and rip someone's face off have you?
Note: This rule applies to small children as well. Normal, living two year
olds are next to demonic as it is... bringing them back from the dead will
only aggravate this unpleasant condition and your entire family (and most
likely your next door neighbors) will end up dead for your well meaning
(if not idiotic) efforts.
Rule #35 - If you're babysitting and you hear strange noises or if you
receive disturbing, hair raising telephone calls... call 911 while the phone is
still working and leave the house (and the kids) immediately. It's every
man for himself at this point. Besides, a job that pays below minimum
wage is hardly worth dying for.
Rule #36 - If you discover your child's toy (doll, clown, etc.) is possessed
or can walk and talk of its own accord do not try to burn it, smash it or
destroy it with an ax or a chainsaw... the only thing you will succeed in
doing is getting the evil toy pissed off and you will most likely die a
gruesome, agonizing death at its little plastic hands. Take it to a Goodwill
drop off immediately and leave it. After all... it is better to give than
receive.
Rule #37 - Never under any circumstance accept a dare or challenge to
stay in a haunted house, hotel, deserted mental institution, church,
warehouse or abandoned castle, etc. for any amount of money or to prove
your bravery. People who challenge you to sleep in a haunted location
are not your friends... they are trying to get you killed. Be secure in
your cowardice and live to see another day. If you need the money get a
second or third job. It is better to live longer and work yourself to death
than to offer yourself up as a willing victim and neversee the payoff.
Rule #38 - If you discover a centuries old vampire/vampiress) is
enamored with your spouse or significant other... break off the
relationship or file for divorce and move out immediately. True love
isn't eternal, death is.
Rule #39 - If you find yourself in the tomb of an Egyptian pharaoh (or
any other Egyptian noble) and the archeologist reads an inscribed curse
on the mummy's sarcophagus leave the tomb before the sarcophagus is
opened. In fact, you just might want to cut short your vacation to Egypt
and leave the country as quickly as possible.
Rule #40 - If your town/village has a curse or an evil prophecy upon it
move away before the critical "anniversary date" arrives.
Rule #41 - If your town becomes infested with vampires, werewolves, or
monsters pack your belongings and move out. It won't do any good to
warn anyone or "alert" the authorities... no one will believe you anyway.
This is a "save your own ass" situation.
Rule #42 - Never have sex in an abandoned house, in the woods or in a
tent or cabin in a campground.
Rule #43 - If you hear scratching at a window or hear strange noises
outside (or in the attic or the basement) do not go and investigate.
Barricade yourself in the safest room available and call 911. Let the police
handle the situation... that's what they're paid for... to protect and serve.
Let them get hacked to pieces by the hockey-mask wearing, psycho,
serial killer.
Rule #44 - Suck up to the weird, outcast kid/teen who seems to have
unusual, superantural powers... never tease, torment or bully them...
you're only asking for trouble if you do.
Rule #45 - Never walk alone in the country, the moors or the forest at
night, during a full moon (especially if you hear wolves howling).
Rule #46 - Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a
tomb, grave, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
Rule #47 - When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go
it alone.
Rule #48 - When you feel too scared to look behind you, look! The
killer is always out of sight right before they kill their victims.
Rule #49 - Beware of that relative that no one wants to talk about and the
one door in the house usually in the cellar or attic that's always locked and
no one knows what happened to the key.
Rule #50 - Clowns are not cute or funny. They are evil! Clowns are
alwaysa bad sign... clown dolls, clown laughs, clown midgets or clown
anything. Stay away from clowns at all costs!
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